Goddamn You Swirling Wind or When Is It Too Cold to Run Outside?

Training in Chicago will put hair on your chest.  Big, gnarly, Tom Selleck strands.  The Chi may not be the ideal place to train for a mountain race, but it will make sure you can run in Antarctica, should that ever come up.  Oh, you need to be ready for that Death Valley nonsense?  Yep, we can make sure you run under a roasting sun too.

Chicago has it all.

And when it comes to extreme temperature running, I will always prefer cold over heat.

Personally, my body regulates temperature rather well in the cold.  I’ve always been able to withstand more of it than the average joe.

*Tangent*:
I like to think this is because when I was a child, an army soldier once told me “if you tell yourself you’re not cold, kid, you won’t be cold,” which triggered this “ah-ha!” moment that led to some superhuman X-Men shit I had stored deep down inside.
*End Tangent*

Running in the cold is all about layers, so with a strong base layer you can’t go wrong.  I like skin tight merino wool.  I also make sure to wear a beanie and gloves (don’t skimp on these two items), then tights over my legs.  I choose a jacket based on the weather.

Being the psycho-sadist obsessive compulsive freakazoid that I am, I never leave the house without checking the weather.  If it’s really windy, I’ll make sure to wear a windbreaker over the top.  The one thing I fear the most about running in the cold is my manhood freezing up.  I fear it because it happened once and it was the scariest damn thing I’ve ever gone through (I fully recovered, thank you).  Not only do I wear tights, but I also stick some plastic bags down the front of my crotch to act as BACKUP wind breakage.

It’s working splendidly.

The problem is that the wind in this city changes direction like politicians lie.

When your smartphone weather forecaster said NW 15 MPH, it also meant SE 35 MPH. Or IT’S A TWISTER!

If it’s ever too cold for me to run outdoors it’s because of the wind.  That goddamn Chicago wind.  I hate it.  It literally gets me screaming “Ahhh f*** you, wind!!! F*** YOU!!!!!!”

That being said, in the last two years I have only exchanged winter runs for the treadmill twice, a fact I am very proud of.  Because if I hate anything more than running with frozen balls in a swirling windchill, it’s running on a treadmill.

I can’t handle running like a hamster.