“Running is a vehicle for self-discovery.”
–Scott Jurek

In May of 2009, I was a pack-and-a-half a day smoker who drank too much, ate like shit and never exercised.  In May of 2010, I was logging 3-mile runs two or three times a week.  In May of 2011, I was recovering from my first marathon.

And in May of 2012, I unleashed an ultrarunning, trail-diggin’, dirt lovin’ dragon.

Here is my story:

Race Morning, 3:30 a.m.

I’m up!  Banana, granola bar, a big gooey blueberry muffin and a cup of coffee.  Did I sleep last night?  A little.  Am I nervous?  No!  But I should be… right?

In a couple of hours I will begin the journey of completing my very first 50 mile race.  With four road marathons and five trail 50Ks in my legs already, this is the trip that will really stretch my psyche.  This is the one that I’ve been daydreaming about for well over a year.

I’m craving it.  I’m expecting it.  I can’t wait to test the body I’ve been steadily building for this exact day, May 12, 2012.

Dad doesn’t seem to hear the blaring alarm clock deafening my ears so I nudge him awake and then we both busy ourselves with prepping for a very long day.  I’m really glad he’s here with me.  He’s one of the main reasons I fell in love with running in the first place and he’s been with me at every step of my transformation.  Despite the fact that he lives outside of Houston (which is pretty far from Chicago and the midwest) he was at my first 5K, my first half marathon, first marathon and first 50K!

Now he’s here for my first 50 miler, only instead of participating as runner or spectator, this time I’m puttin’ him to work as my crew.  Last night we went over his duties and I’m pretty confident that he’ll be a big help to me throughout the day.  This might be almost as epic for him as it will be for me.

I think that’s pretty cool.

Start Line, 5:30 a.m.

With so many of my New Leaf and M.U.D.D. friends also running in this race, I know the start and finish lines are gonna be buzzin’ with awesome-sauce.  Every time I look around I see someone I know, which is just fantastic!  With this kind of good company, it’s hard for me to give in to the normal anxieties and fears I usually have before a big race.  My stomach’s not churning at all.  I’m not shaking.  Instead, I’m crackin’ jokes and shakin’ hands.

If I were all alone right now, surely I’d be worrying about the unknown, about the fact that I’ve never run more than 32 miles at any one time, or longer than 6 and a half hours — both tasks I’m going to have to deal with. But I’m not alone.  I’m surrounded by a loving, joyous community.

And some kick-ass trail.

The temp is in the mid 50s.  It will get up into the high 60s, but we’ll have cloud cover for most of the day and virtually no rain (some spits here and there).

The race director addresses all 360+ of us, then comes the National Anthem.  I hug my dad goodbye and take my place at the start line.  This is really happening now.

This is really, actually happening.

Miles 1-9

The first section of the race takes place on the Nordic Loop, which is a relatively wide and flat grassy section, ideal for speed.  But this ain’t no speed contest.  This is a long haul.  And pacing will either save me, or destroy me.

My goal for today is to just finish the race, to enjoy the virginal voyage.  After the last few trail races, where I’ve placed in the top 10, it is paramount that I stay humble and don’t get cocky.  There are world class athletes here today with lots of experience and I need to just watch them blow by.

Racing a 50K is much different than racing a 50 miler.  I think.  Hell, I don’t even know how to race a 50 miler yet, because I’ve never done it!  And my track record on first races at all the different distances is not very good.

Sure, I’ve finished them all, but in each case (my first half marathon, first marathon, first 50K) I went out WAAAY too fast and had to suffer through some gut-busting, painful miles at the end.  I don’t want that to happen today.

So the plan is to run this first loop at a controlled 10-11 minute pace with my new friend, Geoff, whom I met at the Earth Day 50K.  He and I finished a close 4th and 5th there and since our paces are about the same, we decided to run this first bit together.

I’m very glad we did, because the conversation with Geoff is making this early portion quite fun.  As if the infinitely luscious green forest isn’t enough to make me smile, the chatter we have going makes it all the sweeter.  We share our running backgrounds and talk race schedules.  We wax on nutrition, training, and of course, beer (this will be an all-day theme actually).  We also share the strategy of running the flats, walking the uphills, and running the downs.  The Ice Age Trail is notorious for its incessant batch of rolling hills and having an attack plan could be key.

I’m carrying a 20 oz. handheld bottle and lots of GU stuffed in my short pockets.  All is going well so we blow by the first aid station.  In fact, the first 8 miles breeze by, but nature calls and I tell Geoff to head on while I make a quick stop to water the trees.

A few minutes later, I’m back on the trail, but the lot of racers has already spread out so much that I have little company.  That’s to be expected in a trail race, so I embrace the alone time while I have it.  As I come into the second aid station at mile 9, I see Dad waving his arms, yelling my name.

The temperature is rising, so I rip off my singlet, get a quick bottle refill and get back to work.

Miles 10-17

Cruising.  Damn.  I just feel… good.  I’m not going too fast.  Am I?  No.  I think.  I don’t know.

Because it is so early still, I try not to think about what I’m doing too much.  I mean, I don’t wanna stress myself out with math and splits and whatever else problem could come up. I’m pretty much just zooming along by myself here, enjoying the magnificent surroundings, eating a GU every half hour and taking a sip of my half-water-half-Gatorade mix every few minutes.  It’s not really too warm, but it is a bit humid and when the sun does break out of the clouds it jumps up and smacks me in the face.

Of course, the actual trail does a good job of smacking me in the face as well.  Literally.  While it’s not uncommon for me to trip and do a face-plant during the latter stages of a race, this early section sees me fall *BOOM* not once but *BOOM* twice.  Luckily, I’m alone and my embarrassment is limited to just me and Mother Nature, who graciously covers me with mud and dirt upon each trip.

After collecting myself, I reach one of the rare exposed sections of the course, close to a lake, and suddenly I’m choking on a swarm of bugs.

What the — … are these gnats or… midges or…. what the hell are these things?!?

Whatever they are, they swarm in bunches and attack from out of nowhere.  While some of them kamikaze into my sweaty torso, the majority decide to invade my eyes, ears and mouth.

AGGHH!  *Coughing*

I look behind me and see another runner falling victim to the same insect army.

Nasty, eh?

Disgusting, he says.  He has a very pleasant sounding British accent, and he’s running faster than I am, so I move out of the way and let him lead.

His name is Mark.  He’s from Evanston via Cambridge, England.  I recognize him from some earlier banter, back when I was running with Geoff.  We were talking about beer.

Though it’s quite early, we pick up our beer conversation in anticipation of the finish line refreshment and share some stories of races past.  Along the way, we pick up another runner, one donning a Marathon Maniacs singlet, whom I sheepishly anoint as “Maniac”.  Turns out his real name is Steve.

For the next 10-20 miles, I will spend a lot of time with Mark and Steve, ebbing and flowing according to the terrain.

Miles 17-30

Shortly after we depart the Highway 12 aid station at approximately 17.3 miles, I trip and fall AGAIN, this time breaking the strap on my water bottle.

Well, shit.

I don’t have a backup strap either.  Damn it!  But… wait… I do have… duct tape!  It’s in my gear bag that Dad is hauling around, and if anyone can create something functional out of duct tape, it’s my father.  He’s been doing it my whole life.

I will see him in 5 miles or so.  I can hold on to this thing the old fashioned way until then.  I hope.

BOOM.  I trip again.  What the FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!

Pick up yer damn feet, Forest! I tell myself.  I can’t go a week of running in my neighborhood without some jackass yelling Run, Forest, Run! at me through his car window, so when I do something stupid I like to call myself Forest.  And today, Forest is falling all over his face.

BUT I’M STILL HAVING FUUUUUN! says Forest, er… I mean, me.

Here is where time sorta stops and I don’t know what’s happening where.  I know that my right IT band is aching.  And that has NEVER happened before.  On the uphill power hikes, when I have a chance, I stop and knead my knuckles into the band as hard as I can.  This relieves whatever pressure is building up, but my hand can’t keep up with the tightness and the lateral portion of my right knee begins to ache.  I know this is not good but I ain’t stoppin’ so I’ll just deal with it later.

Luckily, there are a lot of out-and-back sections in this race so there is a constant flow of traffic coming from the other direction.  At first it’s the leaders — whom I can’t help but stop and watch with complete awe.  Such form!  Such ease!  And then I’m on the other side, high-fiving those who are behind me.

Perhaps this is why everyone says the Ice Age Trail 50 is so special.  Hell, I know at least 50 people who are running this thing, and each time I see their smiling, suffering faces, I get a HUGE energy boost.  Pushing my limits is fun enough on its own I guess, but when it involves the type of camaraderie and support inherent in the ultrarunning community, it’s just like a big old party.  Instead of boozing, we’re running.  That’s all.

I try to use that energy in hammering the downhills, but eventually, all that force causes my right knee to ache, so I begin to take it easy on the downs.  This is probably a good thing, because now I’m starting to feel pretty tired.  Not wasted, just tired, as expected.  I look down at my watch to see 4 hours and 10 minutes have gone by and I’m only at 24.2 miles.

Can I sustain this pace for another marathon?  Will my knee hold up?  How many more times am I going to trip and fall?  Can I even feel my right toe anymore?

Before I can answer these questions I’m at another aid station, instructing Dad to rig me a duct tape bottle handle — a task he gleefully accepts.  I reload on GUs (even though I’m getting sick of them now), suck on some orange slices and I’m back on the trail.

Sticking with Mark and Steve, back and forth, all this time and finally I fall back.  I’m starting to feel more and more gassed.  The sun is busting out.  Mark takes off, Steve is right behind him, but I gotta slow down for a minute.

Zone out.  Just keep moving.  Don’t think too much.

I get to the shoulder of Duffin Road, 30.2 miles in the bag, and I see Dad.

VAS! I yell.

What? he says.

VAS!  I need VAS.

What!?!?

VASELINE, yells the crowd of other crew members, spectators and volunteers.  In unison.

I didn’t realize it until just now but I need some lubrication down in the nether regions and this aid station couldn’t have come at a better time.  In true trail runner form, I dip my hand in the jar, pull out of big glob and then immediately stick my hand down my shorts.  Apparently, I don’t mind an audience.

I’m starting to get hot, I tell Dad.  I don’t feel too good.  He douses me with ice water, dumps ice cubes in my bottle — a bottle that NOW has a nice, new and STRONG duct tape strap, (good work, Dad!) — and asks if I need anything else.

Salt.  I need salt.

He hurries to grab some salt tablets out of my bag and he kindly puts them in a plastic baggie for me to take.  My old man has always been there for me, and I know he always has my back, but in this instance, watching him run around all over this forest preserve, jumping into quick action at my slightest command, to help me, is quite a comforting feeling.  I know he’d like to be out there adventuring himself, and that crewing can be a drag sometimes, but more than anything, he is here for me.  I am not alone.

He believes in me.

You’re doing great, Jeff.  Keep going.  Just keep going, he says.

Miles 30-40

Still plodding away.

I catch up to Steve again.

Mark took off, he says.  Just flew.  Had a lot of energy left.

Not me, man.  I’m starting to feel tired, I admitted.

Me too.

Steve and I share the trail.  We talk about races we’ve run, races we want to run.  We keep each other going.

I see a bunch of folks coming on from the opposite direction again and the salutations, while maybe a bit quieter than they were during the first half, still serve as pleasant boosts of mental energy.  I say “mental”, because that’s what is taking over now.  My mind has to control everything from here on out because my body is starting to revolt.

Eventually Steve starts to fade, but I keep trucking.

BOOM.  I trip and fall.  Again.

Fuck you, earth.  Fuck you.  Then I look and see that the duct tape water bottle strap did not break.  Alas, duct tape is better than anything I could buy in a running store!  I’m sorry, earth.  I didn’t mean to say ‘fuck you’.  I love you.  Seriously. I really do.

I get back up.  Keep on moving.

Miles 40-48

I’m still surrounded by lush, green canopy, but I hear traffic.  And voices.  And…  a cowbell!

I come out of the forest and realize I am at Emma Carlin, aid station 10, and I’ve run 40.2 miles so far.  Holy shit.  40.2 miles.

Dad is waving his arms, yelling my name, and with all these people watching me run in I suddenly feel the urge to pick up the pace and at least LOOK strong, even if I don’t feel it.

40 miles already, Jeff!  Dang.  Just think how much you’ve done. You’ve never gone that far before, says Dad.

I think I wanna be done now.

Nooo, you’re doing good.  Just keep going.

Just keep going.  Just keep moving.  Just put one foot in front of the other.

What time is it? I ask.

One thirty, someone says.

I want it to be beer thirty, I say.  Everyone within ear shot chuckles.  I smile too.  Dad tries to hand me GUs but I’ll puke if I eat another so I go for the orange slices instead.  Also, some Coke, some water, some whatever… I don’t know, I’m tired and I’m pretty sure I smell worse than I ever have before and I’m globbing Vaseline all over my balls and I had some bugs for lunch and… wha… huh…

This is the last time I’ll see Dad before I make it to the finish line, so I give him a big hug and thank him for his help.

I honestly feel like shit right now.  Just completely zapped of energy.  I went too fast in the middle sections and now my unseasoned body is paying for it.  But there’s a huge crowd here at Emma Carlin and I won’t be out of their sight as I run away for a good quarter mile so I’m gonna bust it outta here and will myself to finish strong.

Zoom.

Off I go… 10 minute pace, 9 minute pace, 8 minute pace!  I look at my watch and see I can finish under 9 hours if I just stay strong and steady.

But where will the energy come from? I ask myself.  Don’t worry, I answer myself.  Just keep moving.

And then, SNAP, THWACK, BOOM.

I’m on the ground.  Again.  Face down.

I hear the Inception soundtrack as I look at the deceivingly beautiful rocks and roots responsible for slamming me to the ground.  I roll over, slowly, and gaze up at the light peaking through the gargantuan canopy.  I’m tired.  I’m so, so tired.

SO WHAT. GET UP.

I’m achy.  So, so achy.

SO WHAT. GET. UP.

I want to be in bed, under the covers, with the lights off.

GET.

UP.

NOW.

I get up.  I put one foot in front of the other.  I tell myself I can walk all the hills, but I have to run — or at least try to run — the remaining flats and downs.

I reach an oasis at Horseriders, the 43.3 mile mark and I see some friendly faces (Brian, Kelly, Geoff and Paige).  Their encouragement gives me an extra boost.  But I got 6.7 miles to go and I think I wanna die so I’m not sure how much the boost will last.

As quickly as I was surrounded by a swarm of people, I’m just as quickly all by myself.  I come to a series of big hills — DO THESE HILLS EVER FRIGGIN’ STOP??? — and before I can power hike (can we even call it that at this point? more like anti-power crawl) up the dang thing I actually have to come to a complete stop, take a few deep breaths, then psyche myself into moving further along.

People start to pass me.  I’m wavin’ ’em through.  They’re saying “good work” and “dig deep” and “stay strong” but they’re all full of shit.  I look terrible.  I feel terrible.  I’m slow and I’m basically crippled.  I can’t feel my right big toe.  My IT band and knee still ache but I can hardly tell because I’ve fallen so many times that all the scrapes and bruises are beginning to take precedent.

BUT I SIGNED UP FOR THIS.

A guy passes me, moving pretty swiftly.  As he darts by I throw out an invisible lasso, hook him around the waist and let him pull me.  My feet are moving along quite nicely (considering) for a good bit so the invisible lasso works.  Eventually another dude flies by.  I lasso him too and let him carry me for a few hundred yards until the invisible rope breaks, just as I break myself.

I hear Jimmy Buffett off in the distance.  I lasso that motherfucker and let him bring me in.  Maybe he has margaritas.

If he does, I don’t see them.  I don’t ask either, for fear they might actually have them.  The thought of putting anything in my mouth (liquid or otherwise) absolutely disgusts me at this point.  I feel kind of sick.  Dizzy.  Am I gonna throw up?  I try, but I can’t.

My only option is to just go finish this thing.  At least I’m only 1.5 miles from the finish, right?   Nope.  Someone tells me I’m still 2.5 miles from the finish.  Oh well.  I don’t know what to believe anymore.  All I believe is I’m broken.

I leave the aid station and find myself alone again.  I’m shuffling now.

And then, I start to cry.  Like a big baby.

WHY!?!

I have no idea why.  Maybe it’s because it has taken me about an hour to go these last 4 miles.  Maybe it’s because my body aches and wants to sit in a pool.  Maybe it’s because I’m just not as tough as I think I am.

NO, YOU DUMMY. IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE PUSHING YOURSELF. YOU’RE BREAKING THROUGH. YOU’RE REALLY DOING THIS.

Really?  I’m really doing this?

I’m really doing this!

I wipe the tears away, dust myself off and put one foot in front of the other as fast as I can.

– – –

Miles 48-50

Jeff!!! someone shouts from behind.

*CUE THE HALLELUJAH ANGEL CHOIR, BITCHES, CUZ I’M ABOUT TO GET ALL VERKLEMPT*

Behind me is my buddy, Siamak.  He’s in my running club and we’ve spent most Wednesday nights since January running together.  He looks strong.  He looks fresh.  And most importantly, he’s wearing a big old smile on his face.

Siamak, man… oh, god, I… I’m not doin’ so good… I…

Come on, bro, run it in with me.  You got this.  Let’s go in together.

I pick up the pace to match his, which is much faster than what I was going.  I search my brain for something to say.  I’m searching hard, but I have that Microsoft hourglass of death spinning relentlessly and I don’t know what to say.  I felt so small just now, like a burned up piece of space junk ready to disintegrate into the atmosphere, and then Siamak came along and now… now everything is okay and I’m gonna finish this race and my dad’s gonna be there and all my friends and I’ve worked so hard and…

I’m crying again.

I’m sorry, man… I don’ know why… I don’t know why I’m so emotional right now.

Hey, it happens.  To a lot of people. 

I look at him and he’s all there.  Has his wits.  His legs.  Dude, if you want to go ahead of me, don’t let me hold you back —

Nah, let’s do this together.

Time.  There is no time.  This moment, right now, even with these last few hills to climb and these last few meters to run, this moment, it will always live.  It will always be.

Here on Saturday, May 12, 2012, I woke up with the goal of running 50 miles — FIFTY FRIGGIN’ MILES — and I sure as hell am about to reach that goal.

I made some mistakes.  Yes.  I fell flat on my face.  I also marveled at nature’s endless beauty while getting to play in the most gorgeous of forests for hours on end.  I had a ton of  laughs, a bunch of real conversations with real, fascinating, INTERESTING people.  And I had an endless amount of support, from my family, from my friends.

But right now, it’s just Siamak and I.  And the finish line.

Smile, he says, you’ll feel better.

I do.  He is right.

We end our journeys together.  9 hours, 38 minutes.  I collapse into my Dad’s arms.  I don’t know if I’ve ever felt happier.

—

Post Race

Man, we had a blast.  I had at least six beers, got to catch up with Steve and Mark.  I talked to everyone who would talk to me.  I cheered on all my other buddies coming through the finish line in style.  It was such a fantastic day — a day that I will never forget, ever.

And, despite all the pain and suffering I experienced in the last 10 miles, my body is recovering nicely.  I promised myself I would take a week off.  But, once an ultrarunner, always an ultrarunner.

The next target race?  The Howl at the Moon 8 Hour Ultra in August.  It’s gonna be hot, humid and downright nasty as I try to run as many miles as I can in an 8-hour period on a 3.2 mile loop course.

The more I run, the harder I push and the further I go, I learn just what kind of man I really am.  And I’ll tell ya what: I’m a damn happy one.